Well, hello again! Under normal circumstances, I would be responsible for writing my own articles. But today is different because, ladies and gentlemen, I have with me a very special guest: an octopus who swam in from the ocean so that he may enlighten you with facts about himself! I would first like to note that I’ve put octopuses on notice because I don’t appreciate the fact that they’re such greedy arm-hoarders. Seriously. Why do they need so many of them while armless snakes and snails got such a raw deal? But I’m willing to keep an open mind and maybe even add octopuses to my “friends” list. We’ll just see how it goes. So anyway, take it away, Mr. Octopus!
1. Three of Hearts
Aside from not being satisfied with just a few arms, we also believe that having only one heart is for knuckleheads. So we acquired three of them: two small hearts close to the gills that enrich the blood with oxygen before moving it up to our large heart, which pumps this refreshed blood to the rest of our bodies.
2. I’m Like Einstein, But Only Sorta
We octopuses might be silly-looking, but that doesn’t mean we’re stupid. In fact, we are regarded as the most intelligent invertebrates. We can open bottles to extract the contents, and even use tools to open shellfish so that we can devour the weird (but delicious!) goo that dwells within.
3. Parenthood Kills Me
We don’t live particularly long. In fact, the average lifespan of an octopus is between 1 and 5 years. It all has to do with the fact that we’re like, “Being a mom and dad sucks. I’m out of here.” Seriously. After a male octopus savors his several seconds of octopus sex, he wanders off and dies. Meanwhile the female says goodbye to the world after her children hatch and ask if they can borrow her credit card. We’re deadbeat parents, guys.
4. Let’s Go Take a Walk
I enjoy taking strolls on the seafloor. Swimming is pretty awesome and if you’re super good at it you can even shine at the Olympics. The point is, my heart stops pumping blood to my organs when I swim, so walking takes less of a toll on my body. Kind of weird though. I’m going to die soon anyway, so why should I care?
5. My Arms Have Minds of their Own
First, they are indeed arms and NOT tentacles! Anyway, two-thirds of my neurons are located in my arms, which is why they continue to demonstrate a high level of awareness even if I accidentally sever them in an unfortunate industrial accident. In addition, my “brainy” arms or whatever you want to call them make me great at multitasking, which means if I had an office job I could waste my day using Facebook and YouTube at the same time.
6. I’m Blue Blooded
You weirdo humans (and most other animals) have red blood. We octopuses think that’s so gross! We have blue blood, which is awesome and probably makes us royalty. What’s the deal? Well, your blood is red because it’s iron-based. On the other hand, our blood is blue because it’s copper-based, which is a more efficient mineral for transporting oxygen in a cold, low-oxygen environment.
7. Chameleons of the Sea
Just as you love a plate of boneless chicken wings, sharks and dolphins and other sea predators enjoy snacking on boneless octopus while watching the football game. For this reason, we make ourselves as difficult as possible to spot. We can turn into something that resembles a rock, a sea snake, a stingray, a flounder, a jellyfish, a crab, and even lionfish, which we assume is the King of the Sea? We’re basically shapeshifters. You should find this fact terrifying and it should make you want to bow low to your Octopus Illuminati Shape Shifting Overlords.
8. My Hobby is Collecting Stuff
We enjoying decorating our homes by collecting shells, coconuts and other trinkets. I could make a joke about wanting to pitch an idea for the octopus home decorating show to be aired on HGTV, but I won’t. That would be stupid.
9. My Suckers Are Strong Suckers
You might think my suckers only function as mere suction cups, but that just proves you don’t even know me, do you! My suckers are actually made up of tiny, complex muscles that can tear flesh and even lift as much as 35 lb (16 kilograms). Now you know why I’m so swole.
10. Don’t Make My Blue-Ringed Cousin Angry
I’m a harmless octopus who wants to mind my own business. I want to use my brain to open bottles, I want to decorate my home, make sweet love, and then kick the bucket. But beware of the Blue-Ringed Octopus because it can straight up murder you and your 25 closest friends. I’m not even exaggerating. While it’s normally a docile creature, if it catches you eating its last slice of pizza without permission or whatever, it carries enough venom to kill 26 humans. Worse of all, no antivenom has been developed yet and you won’t even know you’re dead until you’re already dead since the bite is painless. Happy swimming!